change Archives - Kelly Fair | Speaker + Consultant

Are Black Beauty Standards Better About Inclusion?

on October 6, 2016October 6, 2016 By kellyfairthementor

October marks Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Now, you might be thinking: “what does beauty standards have to do with domestic violence?” And I’m here to tell you that they are linked…and it will all be explained in a future post about Domestic Violence. For now, know that the larger issues of sexism and racism play a part; and these are apparent in our beauty standards and our treatment of women.

Our society has normalized white beauty leaving little to no space for women of color. This doesn’t mean women of color have been quiet…not at all! There have been many movements created by women of color to celebrate their unique beauty. And we love all that self-love!

Although we are creating space and change in society with these movements and with these ideas, we are still not perfect. According to Demtria Lucas D’Oyley from The Root:

“There’s nothing wrong with celebrating beauty or black culture distinguishing itself by celebrating our own outlook. But it is important that in our conversations and perspectives about beauty, we make room to be inclusive of many shapes, sizes and curves—even those without them.”

Women of color and white women struggle with notions of body image—especially meeting unrealistic expectations. In her article, Demetria mentions Tiara Harris as having a “figure that is ‘ideal’ for black women—narrow waist, ample bosom, thick thighs, and prominent rear”. These idealizations have caused many women who do not have this figure naturally to seek ways to “enhance” their natural shapes. Charing Ball of Madame Noire shares her insecurity about her own figure:

“I’ve always been insecure about my behind – or lack thereof. Growing up it wasn’t easy being the black girl without a big butt. I remember having a boyfriend frankly tell me one time that my big breasts, thick thighs and hips were nice but I would “look better” if I had a bigger behind. He wasn’t the only one who told me that. Even my closest girlfriends chide[d] me about my “white girl” shape.”

When creating space for inclusion in our society’s beauty world, it is important not to accidentally exclude people even more. We want women of all shapes and hues to know that they are beautiful, special, and unique.

And it is essential that this conversation is had without the backdrop of boys or men. When we discuss women’s beauty in context of the male gaze, we are uniting the two as one unit. However, a woman’s beauty is not based on a man’s approval. While we may know this in the back of our minds, it does not always follow through in our initial thoughts or conversations. A woman’s beauty comes from her mind, heart, and soul. It is not based on our face, our figure, or a man’s approval.

Don’t limit yourselves. Stay confident. Stay beautiful.

How can you encourage positive self-esteem in your girls?

Let them know they are beautiful not “despite” physical appearances, but because of everything that makes them who they are
Show them women of all sizes, hair styles, skin color, and figures to let them know that variety and diversity exist and are beautiful
Be a good role model! Don’t put other women down for not being “ideal”
Connect your girls with supportive mentoring groups that encourage positive self-esteem

KFair’s New Year’s Resolutions for Aspiring Entrepreneurs

on January 7, 2016January 7, 2016 By kellyfairthementor

Another New Year, another set of New Year’s resolutions. This January we want you to be the best you that you can be! And it just so happens that January is National Mentoring Month! So, here are Kelly Fair’s New Year’s Resolutions to provide some inspiration for aspiring entrepreneurs and change-makers.

6 New Year’s Resolutions for 2016:

1) Declutter and Reorganize. In this New Year, you need to pull it all together! Go through your home and office and remove what you don’t need. Remember, it doesn’t have to go in the garbage. Some of your items can be donated (even office supplies), or have a garage sale! I used to make the mistake of holding on to old clothes that no longer fit me, because I lost weight. What I found out was if I didn’t get rid of the clothes, or get them altered to fit my new size, I eventually found my way to fitting them again. So, pigeonholed clothes that were too big for me cleared things out, and kept me out of a cycle of weight gain. By decluttering and reorganizing you will feel refreshed and ready for a year of productivity. No more losing important documents, your favorite pen.

2) Understand Your Finances. This is key to having a successful year! This applies not only to any business or non-profit endeavors, but your personal life as well. But, I’ve found my improved financial habits in my business, help me create better habits while managing my personal financial matters as well. Consider creating a money management system to show you how much your spending, what you’re spending it on, and how much you are saving. You won’t believe what kind of waste might be happening right under your nose from mindless money management. If you aren’t sure how to tackle this project, go to your library and check out a book on finance management, and seek referrals from trusted people for a great financial planner, or accountant that can help improve your personal and professional outcomes.

3) Be Social, Be Smart. As years pass, it gets harder to maintain relationships. Make it a goal this year to reconnect with those who are lost and strengthen your ties with the people around you. But that doesn’t mean you have to become best friends with everybody! Be smart about your social life. Surround yourself with the people who support you. You’re gonna be tackling some big plans this year and you need all the encouragement and constructive feedback you can get! And, as a mentor, or one running a mentoring organization, good people will support you even when your youth and community work Jerrod you really busy, and won’t allow you to have as much social time. Good people can recognize and sorry you in your passions. Most importantly, don’t lose touch with your mentors–if they taught you something before, they can teach you something now.

4) Read More. You should never stop reading. Novels, poetry, how-to’s, and history books–they all have something to offer us. And don’t forget to read more news. Stay updated on current events locally, nationally, and globally. How can you expect to change the world if you don’t know what is happening in the world. Stay updated!

5) Act. This year isn’t going to be just another year of dreaming and hoping. This year you are going to take action. Is there a non-profit you wanted to start or an entrepreneurial endeavor you’ve been planning, or have you been planning to support others’-mentoring organizations in greater capacity? 2016 is the year you are going to make it happen. So find that pen and paper and start planning. You need weekly and monthly goals to keep yourself moving forward. And somebody to hold you accountable!

6) Find Time For Yourself. Never lose sight of your own health. You have to be at the best you can be this year to accomplish your goals. Find time everyday for some self-care. Whether its an a work out, meditation, at-home manicure or your favorite TV show, give yourself that time to relax! We want you to be at your most productive, passionate, and confident self!

We believe that when you are at your best, then you are in the optimal position to not only impact the lives of others, but to be the best leader you can be.

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Ladies, Let’s Get Techie

on December 3, 2015December 3, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

We all know that women are just as good as men when it comes to STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) careers. Society has been pushing to close the gender gap for jobs in these sectors—successfully! According to a HuffPost article, in 2013 more than half of all US biological scientists were women. More women are entering the careers in the life sciences; think biology, genetics, and even zoology.

But, this push towards gender equality in STEM hasn’t been felt equally across the fields. The number of men in technology/computing careers still ridiculously outweighs that of women. Consider this:

“At Google, women make up 30 percent of the company’s overall workforce, but hold only 17 percent of the company’s tech jobs. At Facebook, 15 percent of tech roles are staffed by women. At Twitter, it’s a laughable 10 percent. For non-technical jobs at Twitter (think marketing, HR, sales), the gender split is 50-50.”

While women are getting careers at tech companies, they are not actually involved in computing roles. So, what gives?

It’s the same old story. Our society has perpetuated the myth that boys are better at maths and sciences than girls. While many of us know that this is a stereotype and does not actually reflect real abilities, it still influences how we operate. HuffPost states, “Men are twice as likely as women to be hired for a job in mathematics when the only difference between candidates is gender.”

That type of thinking is what needs to be stopped! We need our girls to know that their gender does not influence their intelligence or abilities. Girls, boys, and those outside the gender binary are all able to learn computing skills and apply those skills to future careers. And why would you not? Technology and computing careers are some of the fastest growing fields in the United States—it is a means for success.

According to General Motors CEO Mary Barra, “There will be a war for technical talent.” At Polished Pebbles we want to properly prepare our girls for this battle. Join us this Second Saturday, December 12 at Blue 1647 to learn about opportunities in technology and computing! You don’t want to miss out on this opportunity to jumpstart your daughter’s interest in these exciting fields.

Let’s combat the stereotype together!

White By Default Affects Our Girls

on October 29, 2015October 29, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

When talking about body image and how it affects our young girls, it is important to address an important factor. Idealized beauty, in the United States and many other countries, is Eurocentric. Meaning, white facial features, fashion trends, body shape, and skin tone are idealized. According to Beauty Redefined, “Images of white women dominate all media – especially roles or depictions featuring “beautiful” or desirable women, not funny sidekicks, the chunky best friend, the hired help or other stereotypes.”

It would be silly and ill-informed to assume that this does not affect our young, black girls. When they don’t see girls on TV with curly, coily hair or darker skin, they start to believe that their natural selves should be hidden. Kadia Blagrove writes fashion articles and for the longest time never noticed that all her articles centered on women that looked nothing like her. She had been socialized into believing that “white is default”. Kadia writes, “First of all, diversity within the media is largely unbalanced. Diversity really means 90% white people and a few token people of color here and there.”

Sometimes I feel as if I need permission to be black. –Kadia Blagrove

Before we start pointing to black women in media who have become popular role models, such as Beyonce, we must read this from Beauty Redefined:

Though beautiful women of color like Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, Queen Latifah, Rihanna, Jennifer Hudson, Halle Berry and others have achieved renown in U.S. culture, media representations of these women have become increasingly “anglicized” or “whitewashed” over time, with lighter-colored, straighter hair, lighter makeup, colored contacts and often shrinking figures. –Beauty Redefined

Check out the website for their photos on how these celebrities “looks” have been altered throughout the years by style teams and digital media.

We need to show our girls that beautiful women of color exist! That they are present and powerful. Girls should not be pressured to straighten their hair or lighten their skin to be beautiful. It should be a personal choice made by their own decision, not by society’s beauty standards.

How can you help?

Show your girls beautiful, strong women who look like them
Alter their media choices to include more shows, magazines, or movies that include women of color
Engage in conversations about beauty and race
Empower your girls to love themselves
Be a role model, be a mentor

And, attend our November Second Saturday event on body image with 360 Mind Body Soul Fitness Studio!

When Did You Stop Seeing Your Beauty?

on October 22, 2015October 22, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

According to CNN, it may be as young as 5 years. Starting at this young age, girls are becoming hyper aware of their bodies, more specifically, their “thinness”. By age 7, one in four girls have either restricted their eating or engaged in some form dieting to get closer to their ideal body weight. This is no longer a teenage problem.

Girls are being pressured to conform to perceived societal beauty standards. Although we know bodies on magazine covers are photoshopped, they still press in our minds as the ideal. This isn’t just about beauty anymore…it is about health. The pressure and anxiety girls are feeling to be “beautiful” are pushing them towards unhealthy practices. Negative body image and self-esteem can lead to eating-disorders, depression, relationships problems, and even long term health problems or struggles with addiction. It is time to stop the fat talk.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSVTRHU28ng&w=560&h=315]

We want to turn that message around! We want our girls to know that they are…

B E A U T I F U L.

A lot of the negative body image comes from internal views of oneself, and when you can really shift that conversation from how does someone look to how does someone feel, then kids can really start to think about what their choices are and how they have control over how they feel, and that brings positive self-esteem and self-awareness.

What can you do to to support your daughter?

Have a conversation. To really be able to understand what is going on with your daughter, you have to know what she is thinking. Engage her in conversation about body image and health. The more comfortable she is sharing with you, the more likely you will know if her thoughts or behaviors become unhealthy.
Be a role model. As the article states, our girls learn from us. Show them what a strong, confident, beautiful woman looks like…everyone! Let them know that there is more to beauty than society’s standards. Give them confidence by showing them yours.
Prioritize health. We were always taught of the connection between body weight and size and health. But, an ideal, healthy body for one woman looks completely different for another. Body size and health do not go hand in hand. Let your daughter know that she can be healthy at any size! By focusing her attention on being healthy, it becomes easier to shed negative thoughts. Instead of having her goal be to fit into a size 2, have it be to run 2 miles. Small differences can lead to big changes in your daughters mentality.
Surround her with support. Let your daughter know that she is not the only one struggling with these thoughts about her body and her size. Nearly all women (dare I say all women) perceive flaws in their appearance, causing stress and anxiety. Make sure she is surrounded by positive voices and love. See if she wants to be involved in a volunteer program, sports team, mentoring program, or another type of group activity that encourages her to form strong friendships.

If you’re interested in reading the research article, click here…

Let Your Light Shine!

on September 10, 2015September 10, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

On September 17, 2015 we will be honoring our awardees and supporting Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program at the Together She Will Shine Reception. If you have yet to RSVP for the event, click here to get your ticket. On this day, we take time to recognize the other side of the crisis; the obstacles that stand in the way of our black girls. We recognize the work that Polished Pebbles and our awardees have done to help clear the path to success for them.

A note from our founder, Kelly Fair:

Six years ago after leaving my corporate job, I sought to fill a void and keep a girls group mentoring program going in my community just like my mentor Rev. Dr. Linda Shepherd taught me right before her sudden death. I didn’t have huge plans for the organization to be much more than a monthly place where girls and women could come together and grow personally and professionally, collectively. Since that time, we have grown from serving two girls to well over 1200 in 40 different program sites. That’s all due to family, friends, volunteers, staff, and community members who have supported our work from the start. So often, people approach this work focused on what they want to impart upon young or the needy. But, my philosophy has always been “we are drawn to this work”, not always because of what we think we have to give, but instead we are in fact the very ones in need of the most love, and growth. My confidence, self worth, skill, ability to love others unconditionally, and wisdom grows daily because of my involvement in Polished Pebbles. Join me to celebrate 6 years of our growth as a community, and the altitudes we’ll go in six more years!

Here’s an idea of how YOUR support will help to create successful futures for our young girls…

Inside the Corporate World: Tamia Davis at ThoughtWorks

on September 3, 2015September 3, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

This summer, three of our Polished Pebbles had the opportunity to intern at ThoughtWorks. Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program strives to teach young girls professional communication, behavior, and dress to thrive in future work settings. An important part of that learning process is being in a professional work setting. These girls were able to apply their Polished Pebbles knowledge in the real world. We are proud of our young women! And we want them to share their experience with you.

Tamia Davis

My internship at ThoughtWorks was truly amazing! It gave me insight into how a company runs from the inside. They really made me feel like I was part of their team. They gave us ID badges that we got to use everyday to enter the building. You never really know how something works until you have been placed in their shoes. ThoughtWorks, inside and out, is such an outstanding company and I’m glad I got to be a part of that experience with them! ThoughtWorks is not like any other company; they are unique and like no other. Everybody at the company is so friendly and did such a great job at making us feel welcome.

During my six week adventure with ThoughtWorks I learned a numerous number of skills, such as coding, sourcing, and identifying different law documents. We even got to learn about the duties of facilities, the recruiting and hiring process, and how the money and expenses of ThoughtWorks gets reported. The first three weeks, my schedule was to go to legal contracts, lunch, and then recruiting. The second three weeks, I went to finance, lunch, and then facilities.

The most exciting part of the whole experience was prompting my first test for the new hires! I also loved how we switched into the four different departments and got to bond and learn about those departments. Another exciting part of the experience was that at the end of the program…they let us keep our MacBook Pro laptops that we did all our work on! The most challenging part of it all was trying to see what I was going to wear everyday.

Polished Pebbles has really opened up another door for me and I am so thankful to be part of such a fantastic organization. They really helped me when it came to introduction and making myself stand out so that I could leave a good impression, as I did with ThoughtWorks. I built relationships with the people there and made sure they will remember who I am. Overall, I am really grateful that I got to be part of the ThoughtWorks internship. Thanks to Polished Pebbles, my summer has been absolutely amazing and truly unforgettable!

Thank you, ThoughtWorks for providing our pebbles with such rewarding experiences!

#WhatSheNeeds: Parental Support

on July 23, 2015July 23, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

#WhatSheNeeds will provide insights into the experiences of black women in college. From the freshman transition to the affects of social media, these women have a lot to say! Black women are out enrolling every other group in college, but not experiencing the same high levels of success 4 years later in their careers. Through #WhatSheNeeds, we hope to learn a little more about what she needs to succeed–what did their institutions have and what were they lacking?

#WhatSheNeeds continues with our first topic…Parental Support! For all of our interviewees, parents have been incredible supports during the college experience. But sometimes, things got a little sticky. Parents always wants what is best for their children, but sometimes this causes tension for college students. As summer is quickly passing, all you parents are getting ready to send your daughters off to college–some for the first time! We want you to know how to best support your daughters in their academic career! Here is some advice from our lovely college women…

Anessa Trask said in her interview, “Your parent’s dream career for you, may not be YOUR dream career for you.”

This is exactly what Sadariah experienced…

Sadariah Harrel is majoring in Business Management, but her dream lies in the arts:

“I’m not in school for what I want to be in school for. Me, I’m more of the creative type; I’m more of the art time. I love to write…Anything that deals with my imagination, I love to do it. And I feel like it’s such a big thing in society being an African American female, being a female period. Its like you have to be in a field where it’s like business or computer science just so you can be competitive because you are a female. And my mother she’s a computer analyst so she’s like, “You have to do that, you have to do this.” And I’m like “No, I love English and I love reading and I want to write”. And she’s like “No. If I’m paying then you’re going for what i want you to go for”…I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. It wasn’t fun for me. It felt like I was being forced to do something.”

On the other hand, is Sydney Tyler:

“My family supports my major 100%. A lot of my family is health professionals, so it was pretty normal when I told them I was going into the health field. They’re loving it”

This isn’t to say one family is better or more supportive than another, but parenting style does affect the college experience. It can either drive a woman to success or make her feel a little lackluster about her future.

But don’t pity Sadariah. While pursuing her business major, she knows she can express her creativity in other ways. As she told me, “I can always publish books on the side”.

Mostly, these women just want to make their families proud:

“I am first generation in my family. I am the only child of a single parent. It was my first college experience with applying to colleges and getting into college. And I did it. All with the support of my mom, and it was a wonderful experience.” –Sydney Tyler

“I’m the first to go so far away. I’m far away from my family. I’m out there on my own. I’m the first person to go to an HBCU, the first person to pledge a sorority, the first person to become a nursing major. Sometimes I feel a lot of pressure because I am doing so many firsts! And I don’t want to let anyone down, or disappoint anybody. So, I’m kind of harder on myself.” –Jasmine Hosley

“Throughout my entire life I kind of felt the most pressure because I’m the only child. I’ve always been, like the ‘brain’. My cousins would always call me that and say I was a nerd. And so, I always felt like I had to live up to that, you know, title of what was given to me. Because I knew, like, no one else was fitting that at the time” –Brittany Colvin

Terri Floyd summed up the role of the parent perfectly:

“I had my family, my parents are encouragers.”

To all you parents out there with daughters headed off to college, “Be encouragers!” Your daughters want and need your support for a successful college transition and experience. Remember, you both have the same priority; to succeed!

Thriving or Just Surviving?

on June 25, 2015June 25, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

Recently, Kelly Fair and Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program have been pushing college mentoring. This isn’t only because we are developing our College Edition mentoring program, it is important! The media is filled with mixed messages about African-American women, especially college students.

What is the college experience for black women? According to HuffPost: College, black students have, are, and will continue to experience discrimination and microaggressions on campus.

A student at Duke University hung a noose from a tree in Durham, North Carolina, campus on April 1. This came about a week after the university began investigating reports that a group of white men had harassed a black female. The men were reportedly singing the same racist chant…

According to one student, “Institutionalized racism has created spaces for Duke–and for colleges nationally…”.

Despite the negative and harmful experiences, black women are leading all groups in college enrollment! That is something to celebrate! But, how can we expect to keep African American women in college if their experiences on campus are not supportive or downright violent?

According to the data, 9.7 percent of Black women are enrolled in college. Asian women are second, with 8.7 percent working toward degrees, followed by Asian men at 8.4 percent, White women at 7.1 percent, Black men at 7.0 percent, Hispanic women at 6.6 percent, White men at 6.1 percent, and Hispanic men at 5.9 percent.

Despite the high enrollment rates, our women are not seeing success in the work force. ThinkProgress writes about a study conducted by Black Women’s Roundtable, the women’s initiative of the National Coalition on Black Civic Participation. In their research, they found that although African American women are excelling in education and careers, they are not being equally compensated! While many people know the 77 cents to a dollar, few know that this is for white women when compared to white men. Black women make 64 cents to a dollar when compared to white men!

Race and gender bias intersect to limit access to traditional capital for Black women.

So, what is the African American women’s experience in college? Are they thriving or simply surviving? Is their community supportive in their future success? Next week we will be sharing insights from our interviews with current college students! Check back then!

Sharing Knowledge: HBCU Nation

on June 11, 2015June 11, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

As you know from our previous post, Collegiate Mentoring, Polished Pebbles is planning on expanding with College Edition. African-American women in college are just as in need of mentoring and support as younger girls. With our continued support, increasing rates of black women will be attending college and earning degrees. In fact, according to ClutchMag, black women make up the most college enrollments–now that is a success! We want this to continue. Kelly Fair has shared her hopes of providing mentoring to college students. Simply have college interns is not enough, she wants more direct, group support on campuses.

Recently on HBCU Nation, Kelly Fair shared her views on collegiate mentoring–why we need it and how we can benefit from it. Click here to give it a listen!

Tell us what you think of collegiate mentoring for African-American women? What type of support would you have wanted during your college experience?