blackgirlsmatter Archives - Kelly Fair

Are Black Beauty Standards Better About Inclusion?

on October 6, 2016October 6, 2016 By kellyfairthementor

October marks Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Now, you might be thinking: “what does beauty standards have to do with domestic violence?” And I’m here to tell you that they are linked…and it will all be explained in a future post about Domestic Violence. For now, know that the larger issues of sexism and racism play a part; and these are apparent in our beauty standards and our treatment of women.

Our society has normalized white beauty leaving little to no space for women of color. This doesn’t mean women of color have been quiet…not at all! There have been many movements created by women of color to celebrate their unique beauty. And we love all that self-love!

Although we are creating space and change in society with these movements and with these ideas, we are still not perfect. According to Demtria Lucas D’Oyley from The Root:

“There’s nothing wrong with celebrating beauty or black culture distinguishing itself by celebrating our own outlook. But it is important that in our conversations and perspectives about beauty, we make room to be inclusive of many shapes, sizes and curves—even those without them.”

Women of color and white women struggle with notions of body image—especially meeting unrealistic expectations. In her article, Demetria mentions Tiara Harris as having a “figure that is ‘ideal’ for black women—narrow waist, ample bosom, thick thighs, and prominent rear”. These idealizations have caused many women who do not have this figure naturally to seek ways to “enhance” their natural shapes. Charing Ball of Madame Noire shares her insecurity about her own figure:

“I’ve always been insecure about my behind – or lack thereof. Growing up it wasn’t easy being the black girl without a big butt. I remember having a boyfriend frankly tell me one time that my big breasts, thick thighs and hips were nice but I would “look better” if I had a bigger behind. He wasn’t the only one who told me that. Even my closest girlfriends chide[d] me about my “white girl” shape.”

When creating space for inclusion in our society’s beauty world, it is important not to accidentally exclude people even more. We want women of all shapes and hues to know that they are beautiful, special, and unique.

And it is essential that this conversation is had without the backdrop of boys or men. When we discuss women’s beauty in context of the male gaze, we are uniting the two as one unit. However, a woman’s beauty is not based on a man’s approval. While we may know this in the back of our minds, it does not always follow through in our initial thoughts or conversations. A woman’s beauty comes from her mind, heart, and soul. It is not based on our face, our figure, or a man’s approval.

Don’t limit yourselves. Stay confident. Stay beautiful.

How can you encourage positive self-esteem in your girls?

Let them know they are beautiful not “despite” physical appearances, but because of everything that makes them who they are
Show them women of all sizes, hair styles, skin color, and figures to let them know that variety and diversity exist and are beautiful
Be a good role model! Don’t put other women down for not being “ideal”
Connect your girls with supportive mentoring groups that encourage positive self-esteem

Banding Together with Blue 1647

on December 10, 2015December 10, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

Last week we shared with you the surprising truth behind women in technology careers. There is a serious need for women in technology and some serious barriers to break down to accomplish that.

The biggest is the stereotype that men are better than women at all things STEM–Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. Now, we know this isn’t true! But, we need your help to convince the rest of society! Our girls’ interest in technology should not be diminished by stereotypes. If your daughter loves to be creative, loves solving puzzles, and loves to use her brain…join us this Saturday! We want to fuel her desire for technology careers.

Polished Pebbles is banding together with Blue 1647 to provide your girls with an exciting service and learning opportunity. Let your girls learn the power of code and computers! We want them to know that all doors are open to them, including those in technology!

We hope to see you there!

Ladies, Let’s Get Techie

on December 3, 2015December 3, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

We all know that women are just as good as men when it comes to STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) careers. Society has been pushing to close the gender gap for jobs in these sectors—successfully! According to a HuffPost article, in 2013 more than half of all US biological scientists were women. More women are entering the careers in the life sciences; think biology, genetics, and even zoology.

But, this push towards gender equality in STEM hasn’t been felt equally across the fields. The number of men in technology/computing careers still ridiculously outweighs that of women. Consider this:

“At Google, women make up 30 percent of the company’s overall workforce, but hold only 17 percent of the company’s tech jobs. At Facebook, 15 percent of tech roles are staffed by women. At Twitter, it’s a laughable 10 percent. For non-technical jobs at Twitter (think marketing, HR, sales), the gender split is 50-50.”

While women are getting careers at tech companies, they are not actually involved in computing roles. So, what gives?

It’s the same old story. Our society has perpetuated the myth that boys are better at maths and sciences than girls. While many of us know that this is a stereotype and does not actually reflect real abilities, it still influences how we operate. HuffPost states, “Men are twice as likely as women to be hired for a job in mathematics when the only difference between candidates is gender.”

That type of thinking is what needs to be stopped! We need our girls to know that their gender does not influence their intelligence or abilities. Girls, boys, and those outside the gender binary are all able to learn computing skills and apply those skills to future careers. And why would you not? Technology and computing careers are some of the fastest growing fields in the United States—it is a means for success.

According to General Motors CEO Mary Barra, “There will be a war for technical talent.” At Polished Pebbles we want to properly prepare our girls for this battle. Join us this Second Saturday, December 12 at Blue 1647 to learn about opportunities in technology and computing! You don’t want to miss out on this opportunity to jumpstart your daughter’s interest in these exciting fields.

Let’s combat the stereotype together!

A Day of Generosity: #GivingTuesday

on November 26, 2015November 26, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

Today is the day we give thanks. We express our gratitude to family, friends, mentors, role models, and even local organizations striving to better their community.

This Thanksgiving, Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program has a message for our supporters:

It is because of your generosity and love that we are able to keep doing what we’re doing…supporting your girls! We love being a positive influence in our community. Our Pebbles are growing up to be accomplished, successful young women and we could not be more proud!

You are the force that keeps Polished Pebbles moving forward. And we want you to know how to keep being a positive influence in your community. We are asking you to be a part of #GivingTuesday.

What is #GivingTuesday?

We have a day for giving thanks. We have two for getting deals. Now, we have #GivingTuesday, a global day dedicated to giving back. On Tuesday, December 1, 2015, charities, families, businesses, community centers, and students around the world will come together for one common purpose: to celebrate generosity and to give.

It’s a simple idea. Just find a way for your family, your community, your company or your organization to come together to give something more.

If you want to join the movement, consider joining Polished Pebble’s Monthly Giving Program. Learn more about Monthly Giving here…

If you aren’t able to contribute a monetarily, consider donating your time, commitment, and love! We are always looking for volunteers for our program! Learn more at our website…

For today, enjoy your turkey!

Free Fun! Join Us For Second Saturdays!

on November 12, 2015November 12, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

Polished Pebbles hosts a free Second Saturday event for girls every month. Our programming focuses on building positive relationships, increasing self-esteem, and most of all…having fun! Last month we celebrated October with some “Old School Games”. Check out our vimeo below!

[vimeo 144889177 w=500 h=281]

All this month we have been discussing healthy body image for our girls. This Saturday, November 14 we are hosting our Second Saturday event: “Too Tall, Too Skinny, Too…”. We will have guest speakers sharing their own journeys towards self-acceptance, self-love, and an overall healthy body image! Come listen to the owner of 360 Mind Body Soul Fitness studio, Ashanti Johnson!

White By Default Affects Our Girls

on October 29, 2015October 29, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

When talking about body image and how it affects our young girls, it is important to address an important factor. Idealized beauty, in the United States and many other countries, is Eurocentric. Meaning, white facial features, fashion trends, body shape, and skin tone are idealized. According to Beauty Redefined, “Images of white women dominate all media – especially roles or depictions featuring “beautiful” or desirable women, not funny sidekicks, the chunky best friend, the hired help or other stereotypes.”

It would be silly and ill-informed to assume that this does not affect our young, black girls. When they don’t see girls on TV with curly, coily hair or darker skin, they start to believe that their natural selves should be hidden. Kadia Blagrove writes fashion articles and for the longest time never noticed that all her articles centered on women that looked nothing like her. She had been socialized into believing that “white is default”. Kadia writes, “First of all, diversity within the media is largely unbalanced. Diversity really means 90% white people and a few token people of color here and there.”

Sometimes I feel as if I need permission to be black. –Kadia Blagrove

Before we start pointing to black women in media who have become popular role models, such as Beyonce, we must read this from Beauty Redefined:

Though beautiful women of color like Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, Queen Latifah, Rihanna, Jennifer Hudson, Halle Berry and others have achieved renown in U.S. culture, media representations of these women have become increasingly “anglicized” or “whitewashed” over time, with lighter-colored, straighter hair, lighter makeup, colored contacts and often shrinking figures. –Beauty Redefined

Check out the website for their photos on how these celebrities “looks” have been altered throughout the years by style teams and digital media.

We need to show our girls that beautiful women of color exist! That they are present and powerful. Girls should not be pressured to straighten their hair or lighten their skin to be beautiful. It should be a personal choice made by their own decision, not by society’s beauty standards.

How can you help?

Show your girls beautiful, strong women who look like them
Alter their media choices to include more shows, magazines, or movies that include women of color
Engage in conversations about beauty and race
Empower your girls to love themselves
Be a role model, be a mentor

And, attend our November Second Saturday event on body image with 360 Mind Body Soul Fitness Studio!

When Did You Stop Seeing Your Beauty?

on October 22, 2015October 22, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

According to CNN, it may be as young as 5 years. Starting at this young age, girls are becoming hyper aware of their bodies, more specifically, their “thinness”. By age 7, one in four girls have either restricted their eating or engaged in some form dieting to get closer to their ideal body weight. This is no longer a teenage problem.

Girls are being pressured to conform to perceived societal beauty standards. Although we know bodies on magazine covers are photoshopped, they still press in our minds as the ideal. This isn’t just about beauty anymore…it is about health. The pressure and anxiety girls are feeling to be “beautiful” are pushing them towards unhealthy practices. Negative body image and self-esteem can lead to eating-disorders, depression, relationships problems, and even long term health problems or struggles with addiction. It is time to stop the fat talk.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSVTRHU28ng&w=560&h=315]

We want to turn that message around! We want our girls to know that they are…

B E A U T I F U L.

A lot of the negative body image comes from internal views of oneself, and when you can really shift that conversation from how does someone look to how does someone feel, then kids can really start to think about what their choices are and how they have control over how they feel, and that brings positive self-esteem and self-awareness.

What can you do to to support your daughter?

Have a conversation. To really be able to understand what is going on with your daughter, you have to know what she is thinking. Engage her in conversation about body image and health. The more comfortable she is sharing with you, the more likely you will know if her thoughts or behaviors become unhealthy.
Be a role model. As the article states, our girls learn from us. Show them what a strong, confident, beautiful woman looks like…everyone! Let them know that there is more to beauty than society’s standards. Give them confidence by showing them yours.
Prioritize health. We were always taught of the connection between body weight and size and health. But, an ideal, healthy body for one woman looks completely different for another. Body size and health do not go hand in hand. Let your daughter know that she can be healthy at any size! By focusing her attention on being healthy, it becomes easier to shed negative thoughts. Instead of having her goal be to fit into a size 2, have it be to run 2 miles. Small differences can lead to big changes in your daughters mentality.
Surround her with support. Let your daughter know that she is not the only one struggling with these thoughts about her body and her size. Nearly all women (dare I say all women) perceive flaws in their appearance, causing stress and anxiety. Make sure she is surrounded by positive voices and love. See if she wants to be involved in a volunteer program, sports team, mentoring program, or another type of group activity that encourages her to form strong friendships.

If you’re interested in reading the research article, click here…

5 Reasons Why You Support Polished Pebbles

on October 1, 2015October 1, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

For the month of September, we encouraged you to donate to Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program. And we want to say, “THANK YOU!” It is because of supporters like you that we are able to provide our girls with enriching learning activities. While people have donated to Polished Pebbles for various reasons, we have here our top five reasons to support girls in your community:

Self Image. Young girls are constantly bombarded with not-so-positive images of black women. This causes stereotypes and caricatures to become false realities they might try and emulate. The angry black woman, oversexed backup dancer, gold-digger, and baby mama are not the only images that should be present in the general media. But it can seem that they are. Mentoring not only shatters these false images by providing positive alternatives, but it teaches girls another way to think of themselves. Mentoring programs and relationships can help to spread the “body positive” and “natural hair” movements. While curly is not better than straight and curvy is not better than thin, it gives girls the ability to choose! They are exposed to all of the possibilities, all of the many ways to love themselves.

Educational Achievement. A successful mentoring program and mentoring relationship will bring out the best in your girls. It will encourage and support them as they move through the world. In a previous blog post on KellyFairtheMentor.com, Kelly Fair shared an article by Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu, “Have Black Girls Been Overlooked?” from the “Black Star Journal”. She brings to our attention the lack of attention paid to black girls in education. We focus on black boys, their dropout rates and the school to prison pipeline. We tend to forget that black girls are in the same vicious cycle. According to the article, 12% of black girls are suspended from school and 40% are dropping out! Mentoring programs bring the necessary attention to black girls so that they don’t get left behind in school. We want all our girls to recognize their intelligence and strive for academic success. Let’s ensure that black girls are no longer overlooked!

Female Social Support. Growing up I remember my mother telling me that girls are mean to each other. Instead of banding together in camaraderie, girls are competing with one another for beauty, love, and acknowledgement. While not always the case, this conflict is noticeable during school years. This war between women hinders our ability to develop positive female relationships; who could be our possible sisters in arms as we combat these obstacles. Girls focused mentoring programs break down these competitive natures to help develop lasting, supporting relationships. This will become the cornerstone to future relationships your girls will make in life. They will learn to see one another as a teammate, a co-worker, a mentor, and a friend.

Life Skills. Mentoring programs focus on different points of intervention. Some programs target relationship building and others target studying habits. Polished Pebbles, as you may know, focuses on developing communication skills to positive, respectful interactions with peers and adults. While you may not think your daughter is lacking in any of these skills, it never hurts to get a little extra practice. Plus, these are all real and useable skills! Mentoring programs prepare young girls for adult life by teaching them how to effectively be a grown-up. Do you think you came out of the womb ready to manage finances or mediate conflict? No, someone taught you!

This Pebble. When asked about how she has benefited from the Polished Pebbles program, this young pebble perfectly replied: “Being dedicated. When I give my word, I want to be there. Being there for your sister. I can call all these young ladies my sisters because of the bond we have right now.” We want all young black girls out there to feel this way about their peers, their sisters! She sums out all of the reasons why mentoring is necessary for young black girls!

We hope that these five reasons inspire you to get your girls involved in a mentoring program! As human beings with knowledge and caring hearts, we can join together to ensure a positive future for black girls. As Polished Pebbles says, Together She Will Shine!

To make a one-time donation or join our monthly giving program, click here…

What Do Potus and Polished Pebbles Have in Common?

on September 24, 2015September 24, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

At Polished Pebbles we strive to teach our girls to fierce leaders by teaching them the skills of communication and professionalism. We hope to impart in them the belief that they are strong and capable. On September 19, President Obama echoed these thoughts. He brought national attention to the challenges faced by black woman and girls at the Congressional Black Caucus 45th Annual Phoenix Award Dinner.

Black women were central in the fight for women’s rights, from suffrage to the feminist movement and yet despite their leadership, too often they were also marginalized. But they didn’t give up, they didn’t let up. They were too fierce for that. Black women have always understood the words of Pauli Murray — that “Hope is a song in a weary throat.”

We have shared with you the astonishing truths in our society that are confining our black girls. From sex trafficking to school discipline, our girls are in danger in their very communities. Even now, black women make 64 cents to a dollar compared to white men (white woman are 77 cents to the dollar). Kelly Fair believes more research, media, and communities need to focus on young, African-American women. And so does President Obama. Potus and Polished Pebbles are urging our society to not ignore black women any longer, to recognize they are being hurt by institutions and systems in the United States, and to teach our black girls that they are intelligent and successful.

He leaves us with this beautiful, powerful message:

So we all have to be louder than the voices that are telling our girls they’re not good enough, that they’ve got to look a certain way, or they’ve got to act a certain way, or set their goals at a certain level. We’ve got to affirm their sense of self-worth, and make them feel visible and beautiful, and understood and loved.

Watch President Obama’s speech here:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JvaLQtm6E0&w=560&h=315]

Let Your Light Shine!

on September 10, 2015September 10, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

On September 17, 2015 we will be honoring our awardees and supporting Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program at the Together She Will Shine Reception. If you have yet to RSVP for the event, click here to get your ticket. On this day, we take time to recognize the other side of the crisis; the obstacles that stand in the way of our black girls. We recognize the work that Polished Pebbles and our awardees have done to help clear the path to success for them.

A note from our founder, Kelly Fair:

Six years ago after leaving my corporate job, I sought to fill a void and keep a girls group mentoring program going in my community just like my mentor Rev. Dr. Linda Shepherd taught me right before her sudden death. I didn’t have huge plans for the organization to be much more than a monthly place where girls and women could come together and grow personally and professionally, collectively. Since that time, we have grown from serving two girls to well over 1200 in 40 different program sites. That’s all due to family, friends, volunteers, staff, and community members who have supported our work from the start. So often, people approach this work focused on what they want to impart upon young or the needy. But, my philosophy has always been “we are drawn to this work”, not always because of what we think we have to give, but instead we are in fact the very ones in need of the most love, and growth. My confidence, self worth, skill, ability to love others unconditionally, and wisdom grows daily because of my involvement in Polished Pebbles. Join me to celebrate 6 years of our growth as a community, and the altitudes we’ll go in six more years!

Here’s an idea of how YOUR support will help to create successful futures for our young girls…