black america Archives - Kelly Fair

Are Black Beauty Standards Better About Inclusion?

on October 6, 2016October 6, 2016 By kellyfairthementor

October marks Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Now, you might be thinking: “what does beauty standards have to do with domestic violence?” And I’m here to tell you that they are linked…and it will all be explained in a future post about Domestic Violence. For now, know that the larger issues of sexism and racism play a part; and these are apparent in our beauty standards and our treatment of women.

Our society has normalized white beauty leaving little to no space for women of color. This doesn’t mean women of color have been quiet…not at all! There have been many movements created by women of color to celebrate their unique beauty. And we love all that self-love!

Although we are creating space and change in society with these movements and with these ideas, we are still not perfect. According to Demtria Lucas D’Oyley from The Root:

“There’s nothing wrong with celebrating beauty or black culture distinguishing itself by celebrating our own outlook. But it is important that in our conversations and perspectives about beauty, we make room to be inclusive of many shapes, sizes and curves—even those without them.”

Women of color and white women struggle with notions of body image—especially meeting unrealistic expectations. In her article, Demetria mentions Tiara Harris as having a “figure that is ‘ideal’ for black women—narrow waist, ample bosom, thick thighs, and prominent rear”. These idealizations have caused many women who do not have this figure naturally to seek ways to “enhance” their natural shapes. Charing Ball of Madame Noire shares her insecurity about her own figure:

“I’ve always been insecure about my behind – or lack thereof. Growing up it wasn’t easy being the black girl without a big butt. I remember having a boyfriend frankly tell me one time that my big breasts, thick thighs and hips were nice but I would “look better” if I had a bigger behind. He wasn’t the only one who told me that. Even my closest girlfriends chide[d] me about my “white girl” shape.”

When creating space for inclusion in our society’s beauty world, it is important not to accidentally exclude people even more. We want women of all shapes and hues to know that they are beautiful, special, and unique.

And it is essential that this conversation is had without the backdrop of boys or men. When we discuss women’s beauty in context of the male gaze, we are uniting the two as one unit. However, a woman’s beauty is not based on a man’s approval. While we may know this in the back of our minds, it does not always follow through in our initial thoughts or conversations. A woman’s beauty comes from her mind, heart, and soul. It is not based on our face, our figure, or a man’s approval.

Don’t limit yourselves. Stay confident. Stay beautiful.

How can you encourage positive self-esteem in your girls?

Let them know they are beautiful not “despite” physical appearances, but because of everything that makes them who they are
Show them women of all sizes, hair styles, skin color, and figures to let them know that variety and diversity exist and are beautiful
Be a good role model! Don’t put other women down for not being “ideal”
Connect your girls with supportive mentoring groups that encourage positive self-esteem

White By Default Affects Our Girls

on October 29, 2015October 29, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

When talking about body image and how it affects our young girls, it is important to address an important factor. Idealized beauty, in the United States and many other countries, is Eurocentric. Meaning, white facial features, fashion trends, body shape, and skin tone are idealized. According to Beauty Redefined, “Images of white women dominate all media – especially roles or depictions featuring “beautiful” or desirable women, not funny sidekicks, the chunky best friend, the hired help or other stereotypes.”

It would be silly and ill-informed to assume that this does not affect our young, black girls. When they don’t see girls on TV with curly, coily hair or darker skin, they start to believe that their natural selves should be hidden. Kadia Blagrove writes fashion articles and for the longest time never noticed that all her articles centered on women that looked nothing like her. She had been socialized into believing that “white is default”. Kadia writes, “First of all, diversity within the media is largely unbalanced. Diversity really means 90% white people and a few token people of color here and there.”

Sometimes I feel as if I need permission to be black. –Kadia Blagrove

Before we start pointing to black women in media who have become popular role models, such as Beyonce, we must read this from Beauty Redefined:

Though beautiful women of color like Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, Queen Latifah, Rihanna, Jennifer Hudson, Halle Berry and others have achieved renown in U.S. culture, media representations of these women have become increasingly “anglicized” or “whitewashed” over time, with lighter-colored, straighter hair, lighter makeup, colored contacts and often shrinking figures. –Beauty Redefined

Check out the website for their photos on how these celebrities “looks” have been altered throughout the years by style teams and digital media.

We need to show our girls that beautiful women of color exist! That they are present and powerful. Girls should not be pressured to straighten their hair or lighten their skin to be beautiful. It should be a personal choice made by their own decision, not by society’s beauty standards.

How can you help?

Show your girls beautiful, strong women who look like them
Alter their media choices to include more shows, magazines, or movies that include women of color
Engage in conversations about beauty and race
Empower your girls to love themselves
Be a role model, be a mentor

And, attend our November Second Saturday event on body image with 360 Mind Body Soul Fitness Studio!

When Did You Stop Seeing Your Beauty?

on October 22, 2015October 22, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

According to CNN, it may be as young as 5 years. Starting at this young age, girls are becoming hyper aware of their bodies, more specifically, their “thinness”. By age 7, one in four girls have either restricted their eating or engaged in some form dieting to get closer to their ideal body weight. This is no longer a teenage problem.

Girls are being pressured to conform to perceived societal beauty standards. Although we know bodies on magazine covers are photoshopped, they still press in our minds as the ideal. This isn’t just about beauty anymore…it is about health. The pressure and anxiety girls are feeling to be “beautiful” are pushing them towards unhealthy practices. Negative body image and self-esteem can lead to eating-disorders, depression, relationships problems, and even long term health problems or struggles with addiction. It is time to stop the fat talk.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSVTRHU28ng&w=560&h=315]

We want to turn that message around! We want our girls to know that they are…

B E A U T I F U L.

A lot of the negative body image comes from internal views of oneself, and when you can really shift that conversation from how does someone look to how does someone feel, then kids can really start to think about what their choices are and how they have control over how they feel, and that brings positive self-esteem and self-awareness.

What can you do to to support your daughter?

Have a conversation. To really be able to understand what is going on with your daughter, you have to know what she is thinking. Engage her in conversation about body image and health. The more comfortable she is sharing with you, the more likely you will know if her thoughts or behaviors become unhealthy.
Be a role model. As the article states, our girls learn from us. Show them what a strong, confident, beautiful woman looks like…everyone! Let them know that there is more to beauty than society’s standards. Give them confidence by showing them yours.
Prioritize health. We were always taught of the connection between body weight and size and health. But, an ideal, healthy body for one woman looks completely different for another. Body size and health do not go hand in hand. Let your daughter know that she can be healthy at any size! By focusing her attention on being healthy, it becomes easier to shed negative thoughts. Instead of having her goal be to fit into a size 2, have it be to run 2 miles. Small differences can lead to big changes in your daughters mentality.
Surround her with support. Let your daughter know that she is not the only one struggling with these thoughts about her body and her size. Nearly all women (dare I say all women) perceive flaws in their appearance, causing stress and anxiety. Make sure she is surrounded by positive voices and love. See if she wants to be involved in a volunteer program, sports team, mentoring program, or another type of group activity that encourages her to form strong friendships.

If you’re interested in reading the research article, click here…

South Side of Chicago or Duke University: They’re All The Same Girl O_O

on October 16, 2015October 16, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

Last month, in a keynote address to the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation, President Obama said what many of us who work with girls and young women have been long waiting for! In his speech, the President vehemently declared that the crisis impacting black youth in urban America isn’t just impacting black boys, but black girls are under fire as well. He noted that although his “My Brother’s Keeper” initiative has been vital to bringing attention and challenges faced by black boys in this county, there are dire opportunity gaps also exist for black girls. Obama highlighted that African-American girls are more likely than their white counterparts to be over suspended from school, incarcerated, physically harassed. He mentioned black women also struggle daily with society’s oppressive standards how they’re supposed to dress and act.

For professionals and advocates such as myself who have been servicing African-American girls, this was like music to our ears. Much of my responsibility in my role as the leader of Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program is not only to provide mentoring services to girls, but make sure the larger community, and public, is aware of the economic, educational, and social disparities they face in their daily lives. But, in six years of mentoring predominately black girls I’ve learned that most people are really unaware of the challenges of growing up as a black girl in urban America. For example most don’t know that in large cities like New York, black girls are 53 times more likely to be expelled from school than white girls. But, in the face of tough economic times, where individuals and families are doing their best to survive their own financial hardships, and with global campaigns and efforts more focused on finding solutions for the disparities of girls and women in third world countries, it’s easy to see how black girls living in our own backyards are often ignored.

So, when I received my invitation from the Duke University Women’s Center to serve as a SHEntrepreneur in residence, and talk about my experiences building Polished Pebbles as a social enterprise, I thought my assignment seemed to be pretty simple. I figured that if go, and talk about my Polished Pebbles story, and the challenges black girls face living in inner cities. Seemed pretty straight to the point and a typical task for me, but, I didn’t realize how wrong I was.

Of my several speaking engagements on campus last week, my first was a guest lecturer for an honors women’s seminar composed of graduating female students. Prior to me beginning my presentation, the young women needed to complete individual presentations that were started in the previous week’s class. The assignment was to map out their future paths towards achieving various short & long-term personal and professional life goals. These wonderful presentations varied from poster boards with flow charts, picture collages, Power Points, and one student even presented her life’s path like the timeless board game “Chutes and Ladders.” They talked about their game changing career goals in solving the health disparities in their home countries, and changing the economic policies that impact the wealth gap in our country. The creativity, individuality, and diversity represented in the presentations was remarkable. But, it was nothing but a reflection of the diversity of the young women in this course who came to study at Duke representing different races, cultures, ethnicities, religions, and hailing from different parts of the US & the globe.

But, despite all this diversity in the room, there was one troubling universal theme that I observed. As I was sitting there listening to these young women rationalize the heights that they want their careers to go, I noticed far too many of them quickly, placed self-imposed roadblocks, and limitations on those same awesome aspirations. Some of the them shot down their own goals before they even completed their statements. I heard things like “I need to have all this done by the time I turn 30”; “Well, I won’t be able to do this if I have kids”, “I want to focus on this area of study, but I’ve been told that I’d face fewer obstacles and objectives if I go another route.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing it almost felt like a flashback to almost 15 years ago when I was sitting in their same seats as a graduating senior at Howard University. It was then, when I was 21 years old, that I was unnecessarily overcomplicating life by trying to figure out how I could balance a career and a family, I didn’t even have yet! I now can look back at my young perspective and poke fun it. But, listening and observing girls and young women push back on their dreams and aspirations, because of society’s limitations, their culture’s limitations, their “mama’s” limitations is unfortunately all too familiar for me.

So, my talk that day at Duke, with this group of young women, wasn’t just about my experiences as an entrepreneur running my organization Polished Pebbles. Nope, my talk that day started off about how in my own career, when I was younger, I often defied all the “shoulds” society often sets upon young women. And, somehow, I still turned out to be pretty darn happy at 36 yrs. old. Yep, I shared with them that my career didn’t follow the perfect pattern I originally planned. I’ve changed industries, quit jobs, got terminated from jobs, still not married, still no kids, but I’m happy. I expressed to them that this chorus of seeming “organized noise” of my 20’s and 30’s has really started to turn out to become of perfect symphony of seeming imperfections that has led me to the success that I experience today. Yep, so pretty much, I thought my visit to Duke University would give me a break from being KellyFairTheMentor, and I would be speaking about my experiences as an “esteemed” entrepreneur. But, my talk even at Duke University ended being a mentoring session of sorts.

What my visit to Duke University taught me was whether I’m working with young women living in poverty on the south side of Chicago, or recent graduates of the nation’s top universities, all too frequently young women accept the limitations that society places on girls’ and women’s ability to “have it all!” What I really learned that day is that no matter where they’re from, or how their experiences may differ, all girls have dreams, goals, potential, and hope… because THEY’RE ALL THE SAME GIRL. But, it’s our responsibility as the mentors to make sure that EVERY girl believes in her capability of achieving each one of those dreams!

5 Reasons Why You Support Polished Pebbles

on October 1, 2015October 1, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

For the month of September, we encouraged you to donate to Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program. And we want to say, “THANK YOU!” It is because of supporters like you that we are able to provide our girls with enriching learning activities. While people have donated to Polished Pebbles for various reasons, we have here our top five reasons to support girls in your community:

Self Image. Young girls are constantly bombarded with not-so-positive images of black women. This causes stereotypes and caricatures to become false realities they might try and emulate. The angry black woman, oversexed backup dancer, gold-digger, and baby mama are not the only images that should be present in the general media. But it can seem that they are. Mentoring not only shatters these false images by providing positive alternatives, but it teaches girls another way to think of themselves. Mentoring programs and relationships can help to spread the “body positive” and “natural hair” movements. While curly is not better than straight and curvy is not better than thin, it gives girls the ability to choose! They are exposed to all of the possibilities, all of the many ways to love themselves.

Educational Achievement. A successful mentoring program and mentoring relationship will bring out the best in your girls. It will encourage and support them as they move through the world. In a previous blog post on KellyFairtheMentor.com, Kelly Fair shared an article by Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu, “Have Black Girls Been Overlooked?” from the “Black Star Journal”. She brings to our attention the lack of attention paid to black girls in education. We focus on black boys, their dropout rates and the school to prison pipeline. We tend to forget that black girls are in the same vicious cycle. According to the article, 12% of black girls are suspended from school and 40% are dropping out! Mentoring programs bring the necessary attention to black girls so that they don’t get left behind in school. We want all our girls to recognize their intelligence and strive for academic success. Let’s ensure that black girls are no longer overlooked!

Female Social Support. Growing up I remember my mother telling me that girls are mean to each other. Instead of banding together in camaraderie, girls are competing with one another for beauty, love, and acknowledgement. While not always the case, this conflict is noticeable during school years. This war between women hinders our ability to develop positive female relationships; who could be our possible sisters in arms as we combat these obstacles. Girls focused mentoring programs break down these competitive natures to help develop lasting, supporting relationships. This will become the cornerstone to future relationships your girls will make in life. They will learn to see one another as a teammate, a co-worker, a mentor, and a friend.

Life Skills. Mentoring programs focus on different points of intervention. Some programs target relationship building and others target studying habits. Polished Pebbles, as you may know, focuses on developing communication skills to positive, respectful interactions with peers and adults. While you may not think your daughter is lacking in any of these skills, it never hurts to get a little extra practice. Plus, these are all real and useable skills! Mentoring programs prepare young girls for adult life by teaching them how to effectively be a grown-up. Do you think you came out of the womb ready to manage finances or mediate conflict? No, someone taught you!

This Pebble. When asked about how she has benefited from the Polished Pebbles program, this young pebble perfectly replied: “Being dedicated. When I give my word, I want to be there. Being there for your sister. I can call all these young ladies my sisters because of the bond we have right now.” We want all young black girls out there to feel this way about their peers, their sisters! She sums out all of the reasons why mentoring is necessary for young black girls!

We hope that these five reasons inspire you to get your girls involved in a mentoring program! As human beings with knowledge and caring hearts, we can join together to ensure a positive future for black girls. As Polished Pebbles says, Together She Will Shine!

To make a one-time donation or join our monthly giving program, click here…

What Do Potus and Polished Pebbles Have in Common?

on September 24, 2015September 24, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

At Polished Pebbles we strive to teach our girls to fierce leaders by teaching them the skills of communication and professionalism. We hope to impart in them the belief that they are strong and capable. On September 19, President Obama echoed these thoughts. He brought national attention to the challenges faced by black woman and girls at the Congressional Black Caucus 45th Annual Phoenix Award Dinner.

Black women were central in the fight for women’s rights, from suffrage to the feminist movement and yet despite their leadership, too often they were also marginalized. But they didn’t give up, they didn’t let up. They were too fierce for that. Black women have always understood the words of Pauli Murray — that “Hope is a song in a weary throat.”

We have shared with you the astonishing truths in our society that are confining our black girls. From sex trafficking to school discipline, our girls are in danger in their very communities. Even now, black women make 64 cents to a dollar compared to white men (white woman are 77 cents to the dollar). Kelly Fair believes more research, media, and communities need to focus on young, African-American women. And so does President Obama. Potus and Polished Pebbles are urging our society to not ignore black women any longer, to recognize they are being hurt by institutions and systems in the United States, and to teach our black girls that they are intelligent and successful.

He leaves us with this beautiful, powerful message:

So we all have to be louder than the voices that are telling our girls they’re not good enough, that they’ve got to look a certain way, or they’ve got to act a certain way, or set their goals at a certain level. We’ve got to affirm their sense of self-worth, and make them feel visible and beautiful, and understood and loved.

Watch President Obama’s speech here:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JvaLQtm6E0&w=560&h=315]

Looking Beyond Dolezal

on June 18, 2015June 18, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

By now, most people have heard of the curious case of Rachel Dolezal. Her story has brought intrigue into issues of race, gender, and systemic oppressions. While her story has shed light on modern day racism, it is important that we look beyond Dolezal, beyond this media frenzy.

Arnesha Bowers. A lesser known name. Mic article by Darnell Moore criticizes media and society for being sucked into the world Dolezal has created. While many of us were eagerly following her twitter updates and news stories, Arnesha Bowers became a tragic victim to violence. In his words:

“What concerns me most is the fact that the theoreticals and speculations on the assumed performance of race in [Dolezal’s] story trump our ability to see and respond to the tragic material realities of race and gender in the lives of everyday black girls and women…”

He is bringing attention to the “other side of the crisis”, which Polished Pebbles has been fighting for! We have said it time and again, black girls and women are predominantly ignored by society and media–they struggle in silence with few resources to support them.

Again, Moore so wonderfully sums up the crisis:

“If we are familiar with Dolezal’s name and story — a story about a white woman who self-identifies as a black woman and purports to fight on behalf of black people — we must remain aware of the plights of black women and girls who are the victims of violence — girls like Bowers.”

Only together will she shine!

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

on April 23, 2015April 23, 2015 By kellyfairthementor

Last week we shared with you amazing insights from L’Oreal Thompson Payton. In one of her responses, L’Oreal shares the definition of philanthropy as “love of humanity”. To close our April theme of Philanthropy and Giving, I want to delve into this definition. When we think about donating money, time, and resources, what does love got to do with it?

Valaida Fullwood, from Black and Brown News, proposes in her article, Love Of Humanity: Let’s Radically Engage In Reclaiming The Root Of Philanthropy, that philanthropy (and love) are inherent in Black America. She writes:

Indignities, inequities and injustices do not simply dissipate; instead, we must come together in systematically uprooting them – the needs are great and the need for unity greater. The times beckon a new era of conscientious philanthropy, rooted in a love for community and expectations of social change. Let this generation, both young and old, embody a social transformation with bold recognition of our power and responsibility to give back.

Black America faces many challenges, not just in daily life but also from large institutions in this country. Fullwood suggests that by loving Black America, we can create sustainable change. An extension of that love is philanthropic giving. If we want to see change, we have to support that change! This radical redefining of philanthropy might change the way you think of giving. Philanthropy is not a single, begrudging act, it is an expression of self, a way of life. Instead of engaging in philanthropy. Be philanthropic. Be love. If philanthropy only takes love, then we all have a little to give.

Let’s reclaim the definition of philanthropy. Let’s love our humanity. Let’s love Black America.