Author: kellyfairthementor

April is an exciting month for Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program. On April 12, They’re All the Same Girl, written by our founder Kelly Fair, was launched and is now available to you! To celebrate this huge milestone, we will be featuring an excerpt from the book each week on the blog.

This week’s excerpt comes from the chapter titled, “Youth Development in the Black Community”.

One of the things I enjoy most about working with youth is their honesty. If your outfit or hairdo is cute, they’ll let you know by giving you a compliment. If it’s not, they’ll let you know that too! Choose to tell a little white lie to kids and think you’ll be able to get away with it? NOT!! Kids will gladly inform you if they think you are being dishonest, or not keeping your word. After thirteen years of experience working in education, I know will surely help you get on the fast track of being accountable and transparent in your work ethic and quality of service delivery. Perviously, when I worked with other youth programs, there were times that the same activities and curriculum were recycled from year to year, and used with the same children. And, guess what? The kids recognized it and swiftly informed us that they knew we were using old materials, and they were not pleased. Sometimes, they told us. But sometimes they communicated it in other ways such as appearing to be bored, disengaged, and more interested in misbehaving.

-They’re All the Same Girl (pg. 32)

Our youth are incredibly intelligent and intuitive. They know when someone is fully invested in them and their dreams. If they feel any sense of dishonesty or insincerity, they will show it. Like the excerpt says, “Sometimes they told us. But sometimes they showed it in other ways…” There are no bad kids, simply kids who don’t always make the best decisions. And sometimes (maybe most of the time) these bad decisions are a call for help, for attention, for support–simply for someone to be there. Don’t take misbehavior at face value.

Every child deserves to know that there is someone willing to help them learn and grow. A part of that is giving our youth a new and fresh curriculum that they can learn from and enjoy.  Our youth are willing to learn, with the proper curriculum and guidance we can shape them into great leaders.

With They’re All The Same Girl Kelly Fair delivers turn-key tactics and shares insight on successfully garnering support from volunteers, schools, civic and corporate partners.  The book offers personal testimonies from volunteers, program staff and candid community conversations that will prepare aspiring social entrepreneurs, and your organization, to build a generation of girls on the path to personal and professional success!

Interested in purchasing They’re All the Same Girl? Click here…

As March comes to its close, so to does Women’s History Month. Even though women are not forgotten the other eleven months of the year, March is a special time to reflect on a woman’s position in society. As women, we navigate through a world filled with double standards and struggles. But let’s not forget the joy and positives of being a woman!

Women make up half of the world’s population. Which means women comprise half of all oppressed groups in societies. Meaning, a woman’s voice should carry a tremendous amount of influence. We are a powerful group.

The United Nation’s Commission on the Status of Women (CSW60) has been around for sixty years and meets annually to discuss international women empowerment. They have done some amazing things such as having more inclusive language in the International Declaration of Human Rights–of the course the word “men” should not be used to generalize humanity when half of us are women!

This month, government officials came together at CSW60 to discuss the role women play in humanitarian action. In the UN article, UN Women Executive Director Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka states:

Our world is seeing the increasing effects of climate change, violent extremism and an unprecedented number of displaced persons. Women and girls are affected disproportionately by these crises. At the same time, women are essential to recovery and resilience-building.

Thus, it has been decided that gender equality–the plight of women and girls on a global scale–will be central to humanitarian talks at the 2016 World Humanitarian Summit. They comprised a list of four commitments:

1. Empowering women’s groups to enhance women and girls leadership and participation
2. Ensuring access to quality, comprehensive sexual and reproductive healthcare for women and adolescent girls
3. Implementing a coordinated global approach to prevent and respond to gender-based violence
4. Establishing accountability

Here’s to us, women. Here’s to having our reach extend beyond the confines of Women’s Herstory Month. May we be strong and may we matter all twelve months of the year.

This past Tuesday, on March 22, herstory was made. Congress will now be able to raise their voice on issues facing black women and girls thanks to three Representatives: Bonnie Watson Coleman (D-N.J.), Robin Kelly (D-Ill.) and Yvette D. Clarke (D-N.Y.).

Look at their beautiful faces.

The women gave some real talk in a press release on Tuesday following the news of the new Congressional Caucus on Black Women and Girls.

“From barriers in education, to a gender based pay gap that widens with race, to disparities in both diagnoses and outcomes for many diseases, our society forces Black women to clear many hurdles faced by no other group, and asks them to do it with little assistance,” said Rep. Watson Coleman. “Black women deserve a voice in a policy making process that frequently minimizes, or altogether ignores the systemic challenges they face. This caucus will speak up for them.”

“Black women and girls are disproportionately affected by myriad socioeconomic issues that diminish their quality of life and threaten the wellbeing of their families and communities,” said Rep. Kelly.  “The Congressional Caucus on Black Women and Girls gives Black women a seat at the table for the crucial discussion on the policies that impact them while also providing a framework for creating opportunities and eliminating barriers to success for Black women.”

“In many ways, 23.5 million Black women and girls are consistently left out of the national discourse on a variety of policies that will affect their lives,” stated Rep. Clarke.  “This caucus will be purposed to ensure that the infrastructure of inclusion fully incorporates the varied and unique needs of Black women.  Our experiences must and will inform the direction we take as a nation and we can no longer afford to be excluded from important conversations.  I am proud to stand with my colleagues at the inception of this caucus to be a vehicle for change and look forward to the great work that we will do.”

Now Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program, other girls’ mentoring programs, and all other advocates for black women and girls will have a direct voice in Congress. Thank you, US Representatives.

Rupi Kaur is a self-described “poetess and spoken word performer”. Her words carry a brilliant strength in every verse. Kaur’s poetry also teaches us an important lesson, especially in the piece above. Living in a male dominant society, women are directly and indirectly told that we are not enough. Women may go through life believing that something is missing from themselves and we have to find it to have success, friends, love, and happiness.

This can lead to a sense of competitiveness with other women: What does she have that I don’t? And how do I get it? And this competition starts at a young age. Girls will see themselves as rivals before they hit puberty. Perhaps this is because we don’t learn how to support each other as women. Instead we look to see if we are thinner, prettier, smarter, taller, anything that makes us more than “her”.

To learn to support other women, we have to flip a switch in ourselves first. As the poem says, “She’s already had everything she needs within herself”. Despite what society may tell us, we are missing nothing. We are enough. Once we stop grasping for more-ness, the sooner we can support one another as women.

Isn’t that what we want from our daughters? To encourage them to form supportive, loving friendships with women. To come together in solidarity and confidence to face the challenges set before us. We want a strong generation of women.

Here are four ways to raise her up:

Role model. It will be said time and time again. The best thing we can do for our daughters and other women is to simply be. Be confident, be supportive, be you.

Encourage self-worth. Help others see the beauty and intelligence in themselves. Let her know that she is enough!

Look beyond pretty. We all know there is so much more to a woman than her face or her figure. And yet we fall into that trap. Before you tell a woman she is pretty, tell her she is intelligent, creative, or kind.

Forge friendships with women. It is as simple as that.

It is the beginning of March which means we say “hello” to Women’s History Month. Last month we celebrated Black History Month. As we live in a male dominant society, black men tend to be the stars–Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, and Jesse Jackson to name a few. And then we transition into Women’s History Month where black women tend to fall short on the lists of notable figures. Now, there’s a problem with this….what about black women? When do we celebrate them?

Let’s take a minute to give a big shout out to Kimberlé Crenshaw. Why are we thanking her? Because she coined the term “intersectionality” in 1989. In a 2015 article for the Washington Post, Ms. Crenshaw writes:

Intersectionality, then, was my attempt to make feminism, anti-racist activism, and anti-discrimination law do what I thought they should — highlight the multiple avenues through which racial and gender oppression were experienced so that the problems would be easier to discuss and understand.

Intersectionality is acknowledging that our identities are not singular. They are complex and overlapping. It is with these multiple identities that we experience life; making our experiences unique. For example in feminism, while we are all women, white women and women of color will experience oppression and discrimination differently. This extends beyond race and gender. Ms. Crenshaw wants us to know that “intersectionality is…a way of thinking about identity and its relationship to power… racism, sexism, class oppression, transphobia, able-ism and more.”

This Women’s History Month we want you to focus on all the many different kinds of women that have made our world a better place. If you are a part of a mentoring program or work in schools, surround your students with diverse, influential people. Because we all need to see somebody who looks like us in a position of respect and power. 

As February comes to an end, we are supposed to say “goodbye” to Black History Month. Ridiculous, right? We all know that black history cannot be confined to one month out of the year as it is so engrained into our larger history of the United States. 

Let’s take a moment to appreciate these words from Daniel Jocz, a high school AP US History teacher in LA, from a HuffPost article:

We have an unfortunate tendency in this country to exclude the stories of various groups in our year-round teaching of the nation’s history. The experience of African Americans, women, immigrants, workers, the poor, and gay and lesbian individuals is American history. We should not need special months or laws signed by elected officials to commit ourselves to teaching an American history that is inclusive of all Americans. The American experience has been influenced by class, gender, race, sexual orientation, geography, and religion. To not teach this history year round is to do a disservice to our nation’s rich, complicated past.

As leaders in our community we have to take a stance to integrate black history, women’s history, and the history of all other marginalized groups of peoples’ into mainstream American history. There is no excuse for the history of our children to be ignored and pushed aside.

When designing a mentoring program it is important to consider the education children in the community may or may not be receiving at schools. And then fill in that gap! Your purpose is to empower younger generations with the full knowledge of their history and their strength.

How can you integrate black history into the everyday for your child? Through books. Buzzfeed published two wonderful lists of books, one for adults and one for children. If reading isn’t quite your style, PBS has a wonderful list of movies and films to keep you connected all year long.

A final quote from Mr. Jocz:

Education should be not only inclusive but also empowering.

For this week’s post we want to throw it back to Kelly Fair’s response to this catcalling video (below). February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and we want to draw attention to this important topic. A contributing factor to dating violence is our culture surrounding gender, sex, and sexuality. Issues such as catcalling may seem small, but they play a part in our society. As with everything in our society, we have to pay attention to the intersection of identities and how that affects our perceptions and biases. Let’s take a look back at Kelly Fair’s response…

A younger female colleague of mine tagged me in a Facebook post with this video in it.  The video is about catcalling in New York City.  It was disseminated last week by a group called Hollaback!.  Hollaback! is a photoblog and grassroots initiative to raise awareness about and combat street harassment by posting photographs and narrative accounts of individuals’ encounters with offenders. The video shows an actress walking the streets of New York and experiencing sustained catcalls and harassment, including being followed by one man for over five minutes. The video racked up 32 million views, but came under quick scrutiny for featuring mostly men of color.  This too was my initial observation and objection to the video as well.  My thought was how can you raise awareness about a form of discrimination with a tool that discriminates?  Consequently, Hollaback! apologized last week for the suspicious lack of white men shown in the video ( read an article here). Nonetheless, as most social media centered advocacy, the message about combat catcalling definitely started a buzz and lots of dialogue.

I was that girl!

I immediately shared the video with two of the programming coordinators on my staff, and told them that I thought a dialogue about this video was definitely something that I wanted included in our upcoming curriculum with my mentoring program Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program.  The video really resonated with me, because in previous years when I worked directly with girls in our after school programs, I held conversations with girls about this very topic.  We discussed strategizing safe passage to and from school, and managing the different types of attention that they may get in public from men, desirable or undesirable.  I think it’s important conversation to have also tailored with a recognition of appropriate cultural context.  I am big on having conversations that address understanding the root, and the reaction, of certain behaviors based on the communities that we serve, that I also happen to be a product of.

The topic of teaching girls to manage this is near and dear to my heart, because it was something I grapled with in my earlier adolescence.  I was like many high school students in Chicago, and used public transportation to get to school, but I masterminded different routes to avoid unwanted attention from men, of all ages, on the streets I needed to walk down to get home. Quite frankly, I was just wasn’t mature enough, or experienced as a young woman to really know how to manage the attention and propositions made by some of the men, and distinguish hidden, and obvious, intentions.  So, instead of getting off the bus at my street, I tried to avoid as much potential foot traffic as possible, and rode the bus a couple of blocks longer to the final bus terminal.  Walking home that way helped me avoid some of the older “dudes” that were constantly outside, and was a much quieter path.  However, it was also potentially even more dangerous because it was less traveled by most.  And, I was kind of isolating myself, and potentially setting myself up to be more accessible for actual crimes like kidnap, rape, etc.  But, as I grew I adapted.  I learned to ignore some of the comments, and play like I was hard of hearing, or listening to headphones.  I also started using the strategy of looking so intently focused, and a little mean, with my face that it actually turned a lot of them off! LOL!  And, then I learned how to be polite, thank them for the complement, and tell them that I already had a boyfriend, and didn’t need any more friends.

My mature shift in perspective.

As I have grown and matured, I’m much more experienced in life and confident in my identity as a woman in my community, and how that may be viewed by others.  Part of what helped me get here was  being taught long time ago by a mentor of mine on how to view some of those approaches from men, and how to respond to them as well.  Linda told me that for many of those men that they may never have encountered a woman like me, and some of their comments were the only methods they knew to attempt to complement me.  And, this shift in perspective totally changed the way I approached and reacted to some of those encounters.  It took me time and experience to master it, but I now approach and manage those interactions with a spirit of universal love, and you’d be amazed at the kind o reactions that I get.  In turn I receive words and acts of kindness, respect, generosity, and genuine well-wishes for my day, my well-being, and my current work with girls.  I now see part of my responsibility as a woman, of my stature, is demonstrate love and respect to others no matter what neighborhood, city, or country that I’m traveling through.  And, as a strong believer in the “golden rule”, and the “law of attraction, expression of love and respect dominates the majority of my dealings with others.

Despite my shift in perspective, I want to be clear that I’m not condoning disrespect or disregard for others in any form.  But, I wanted to present a different viewpoint.  Although videos like this one from Hollaback! are effective in getting attention, I want to make sure that as a responsible mentoring community that we always follow-up on “hashtag activisim” with conversations centered on devising practical ways to help address the needs of help girls combat cat-calling and ensure their safety.  Below are some tips that I recommend.

What you can do to help your girls!

• Create opportunities for girls to have open dialogue on the topic.  So, often we don’t have enough forums for adolescent girls to have open discussions on a variety of topics, but especially one’s of this nature.  So, if you have a mentoring or youth program, or a teacher, consider making this a news topic to review.  Show the students the video and get their reaction.  And, even if you are not directly involved in working with youth as a profession, talk about it with your daughters and the girls in your family or daily network. As we develop girls to become advocates we must help them develop their voice by providing opportunities to see expressing their opinion is okay
• Create strategies for safe passage to and from school, etc.  Talk with your daughters/girls about how they get to and from school, jobs, or other activities.  Ask them what buses are they taking. What routes do they take to get home? What streets or alleys are they walking down?  Work with them to identify if  there is a way for them to organize walking home in groups with responsible friends to increase safety and collective vigilance.
• Ask them how their day was.  Your girl/daughter may have had an encounter or experience that she needs to discuss or receive some guidance on.  But, if we don’t work to create consistent lines of communication with our girls that they know they can trust, they may not share and keep it to themselves.
• Create opportunities for authentic dialogue for girls with positive male role models:  Far too many of the girls that we serve don’t have consistent relationships with positive role models.  So, we work to include male volunteers/mentors within our network as well as women, because having opportunities to connect with positive men who can provide insight and advice on dealing with the men that they encounter is priceless.  We hold open forums between our girls and our male volunteers regularly to provide opportunities for girls to hear from men and pose questions and ask for advice.
• Let them shadow you for a day at work or running mundane errands: So many of us learn most effectively when we are given visual examples.  Letting your girl/daughter/mentee shadow you gives you the opportunity, if youre a woman, to show girls how you carry yourself in professional settings and in about your community as well.  She ‘ll see how you talk to people, present yourself, react to others worlds and actions.  And, in the car you can share with her you problem solved those situations, analyzed them, and identified any definite threats of danger.  Men, it’s important that girls get a chance to spend a day with you as well, because they get to see how you treat other women you encounter.  And, they learn from watching you what positive and real caring male interaction looks and feels like.

So, what are some tips or strategies that you use with girls in ensuring safe passage, and dealing with unwanted attention? 

February means Men’s Month and the Polished Pebbles’ Non-Traditional Daddy Daughter Dance. We want to celebrate the men in our lives that have supported us and our daughters as we grow. 

We want to take the time to learn from such a man, Kevin Brookins. Kevin Brookins is the Senior Vice President of Strategy and Administration at ComEd. ComEd is responsible for providing electricity to about 70% of Illinois’ population. At Polished Pebbles we are no strangers to ComEd. Kelly Fair was honored to be one of their Neighborhood Heroes a couple of years ago. ComEd and EAARA (Exelon African American Resource Alliance) have a commitment to mentoring and supporting youth, especially in STEM fields. Kevin Brookins is also a supporter of Polished Pebbles Girls Mentoring Program and an advocate for African-American youth in Chicago. And let’s not forget the most important factor…a fellow Howard alum and HBCU fan!

As February is Black History Month, ComEd has developed signature events that encourage black youth to find pride in their history and future. They strive to open up opportunities that many African-American youth might not know are available to them. That is the goal of ComEd’s program, Solar Spotlight. This innovative program opens the doors of STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) fields to African-American youth who might not have the opportunity otherwise.

Solar Spotlight partners with other STEM organizations, such as Project Syncere and PUSH Excel George Westinghouse College Prep. They have created a two day experience that allows 40 high school youth to get fired up about STEM and especially solar power. Students from Harper High School in Englewood, Firehouse Community Arts Center in Lawndale, and Auburn High School in Rockford, IL met for the two day solar mentoring experience. Brookins wants to encourage youth to get involved into STEM fields because they are the careers of tomorrow. STEM jobs are growing at a faster rate and pay at a higher rate than other positions. Not only did the high school students get to learn about solar power from engineers, but they also got to build their own solar panels! And Mr. Brookins made sure to point out that the group of young ladies “rocked”! Not only is ComEd providing educational opportunities, but also investing in the future education of these students. They will award more than $10,000 in scholarship funds to the students who participated in Solar Spotlight.  

By encouraging youth to get involved in STEM, Brookins is contributing to his community because he wants future generations of African-Americans to be successful and thriving. Schools are cutting programs that could get students interested in STEM at a younger age. He believes that it is the responsibility of the community to come together and provide these opportunities to our youth. More corporations need to make a commitment to our youth, our futures. We need our businessmen and businesswomen to create and support mentoring and educational programs for our youth. We need more corporations like ComEd.

We learn an important lesson from Kevin Brookins. Mentoring doesn’t have to be a year long commitment. A mentoring moment can take place in one day, or in one conversation. With a simple conversation you can show a youth his or her future.